Amazed

Chapter 8

The first month after the trial was quiet.

Weirdly quiet.

No phone calls. No knocks on the door. No screaming, no crying, no drama.

Michael sold his share of the family business like he said he would.

He moved to Seattle two weeks after the hearing.

He sent the first child support check three days early.

He showed up to his first supervised visitation with Emma on time, with a backpack full of her favorite snacks and a new Lego set.

Emma was excited to see him.

She came home that afternoon chattering about how they’d built a giant Lego castle, how they’d eaten pizza, how Daddy had said he was gonna get a new apartment with a big backyard so she could play when she visited him in Seattle.

I listened, and I smiled, and I didn’t say a word.

As long as he was good to her, that was all that mattered.

Lila moved to Oregon a month later.

She called me the day she left.

“I’m gonna have the baby there,” she said. “A boy. I’m gonna name him Henry. After Dad. I’m gonna get a job at a bookstore. I’m gonna be okay. I just wanted to say thank you. For giving me a second chance. For not hating me forever.”

“I don’t hate you,” I said, which was true. I didn’t love her anymore. I didn’t trust her. But I didn’t hate her. Hating her took too much energy. “Just take care of that baby, Lila. And take care of yourself.”

“I will,” she said. “And Claire? If you ever need anything. Anything at all. I’m here.”

“Okay,” I said.

We hung up.

I didn’t call her.

But I saved her number.

Just in case.

Diane got out of jail three months later, on good behavior.

She sent me a letter the day she was released.

I almost didn’t open it.

But I did.

It was written in her perfect, loopy handwriting.

Claire,

I’m writing this from my hotel room. I don’t have a home anymore. Richard left me while I was in jail. He’s moving to Florida with his sister. The business is gone. Michael sold his share, and the board voted me out. I have nothing left.

I know you hate me. And you have every right to. I was cruel to you. I destroyed your family. I hurt my own son. I hurt my own grandson before he was even born.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in jail. About my own mother. She left me when I was seven. She walked out the door one day and never came back. I grew up thinking love was something you had to take. Something you had to control. Because if you didn’t, it would leave you.

I saw how much Michael loved you. How much Emma loved you. How happy you were. And I hated you for it. Because you had everything I’d always wanted, and I’d never figured out how to get it for myself. I thought if I could take it away from you, somehow it would become mine. But it didn’t. It just destroyed everything.

I’m not writing this to ask for forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I’m writing it because I wanted you to know I understand now. That I’m sorry. Truly sorry.

I’m moving to New York tomorrow. I’m gonna live with my cousin. I’m never coming back to Chicago. I’ll never bother you or Emma again.

I hope you have a good life, Claire. You deserve it.

Diane

I read the letter twice.

Then I tore it up and threw it away.

I didn’t feel angry.

I didn’t feel sad.

I just felt… nothing.

Like Diane was a stranger now.

Like all of it had happened to someone else.

My mom stayed with us for another two months.

She helped me get Emma settled into the new school year. She helped me repaint the living room, the kitchen, Emma’s bedroom. We got rid of all the furniture that reminded me of Michael. We bought new stuff. Bright stuff. Happy stuff.

We got a golden retriever puppy.

Emma named him Sunny.

He was the worst puppy in the world. He chewed my shoes, he peed on the rug, he stole Emma’s socks and hid them under the couch.

But Emma loved him more than anything.

And he made us laugh.

A lot.

My mom went back to Florida at the end of October.

She cried when she left.

“I’m so proud of you, baby,” she said, hugging me tight. “You went through hell, and you came out the other side stronger than ever. Don’t you ever forget that.”

“I won’t,” I said.

I went back to work the next week.

My boss promoted me.

She said I’d handled the last few months with more grace and strength than anyone she’d ever met. That I deserved it.

I cried in her office after she told me.

Happy tears, for the first time in a long time.

That weekend, Emma and I took Sunny to the zoo.

It was a cold, crisp October day. The leaves were red and orange and gold.

Emma ran ahead of me, Sunny trotting next to her on his leash, laughing as the monkeys threw peanuts at each other through the glass.

I watched them, and I smiled.

A year before, I’d thought my life was perfect.

I’d had the husband, the house, the kid, the dog on the way.

I’d thought I had everything I’d ever wanted.

Turns out, I’d had nothing.

I’d had a husband who didn’t love me. A mother-in-law who hated me. A sister who’d betrayed me.

And now?

Now I had a daughter who loved me more than anything. A puppy who thought I was the best person in the world. A job I loved. A house that was mine. Friends who’d shown up for me when things got bad. A mom who’d driven eighteen hours straight to take care of me.

I had me.

And that was enough.

More than enough.

Emma ran back to me, grabbing my hand.

“Mommy,” she said. “Can we get cotton candy? The blue kind? Please?”

I laughed.

“Of course we can, baby,” I said.

May you like

We walked toward the cotton candy stand, Sunny pulling on his leash, Emma chattering about how she wanted to be a zookeeper when she grew up.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt free.

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